Police woman to Rape Victim: We have your composite drawing out with an APB and are running the DNA sample now. A Todd Akin Rape counselor will be with you shortly.
Counselor enters room with large binder: His, my name is Tanya. I am a trained Todd Akin Rape Counselor. Why don’t you tell me what happened.
Victim: I was raped.
Counselor: Ok, before we get ahead of ourselves, were you “legitimately” raped?
Counselor: Were you “legitimately” raped?
Victim: I was raped.
Victim: I don’t even know what you are asking? Is this some kind of joke?
Counselor: Of course not, legitimate rape is no joke. Let’s start over. Please tell me what happened.
Victim: I was assaulted at night in a parking lot and forced to have sex against my will.
Counselor (reading guidelines): Forced sex with a stranger is a good start. When you say “assaulted” what were you doing out late at night in a parking lot in the first place?
Victim: I’d been working late and was leaving work. I called security to escort me to my car.
Counselor: All very legit. Please go on.
Victim: Security watched me get in my car. I locked my doors and they drove off. Then this maniac jumped up from the back seat. He was in my car.
Counselor: An ex-boyfriend with a key?
Victim: No! A complete disgusting stranger who grabbed me around the neck and put a gun to my head. He said if I was a good girl and cooperated everything would be just fine. But it isn’t fine, is it? Nothing is fine.
Counselor: No, it isn’t. Please go on. The more you process, the sooner you can begin healing.
Victim: I guess he had slim jimmed the door. Security was too far away at that point to hear my screams. He had a gun so I went with it.
Counselor: Any chance you could be pregnant?
Victim: How do I know? It just happened. Oh my God I hope not.
Counselor: Most likely you aren’t since according to the Todd Akin Rape Counseling Guidelines a women’s body has a way of “shutting down that stuff” in the face of legitimate rape which, from the way you described it, it sounds like it was.
Victim: Wait, what? Are you saying if I am pregnant it wasn’t a legitimate rape because my body didn’t shut it down?
Victim: If the witch drowns she wasn’t a witch? But if she doesn’t drown then she was and she’ll be drowned anyway.